Antevasin

Today was the last surgery. My last day of waking up at 4:45 to be to the hospital by 6 am to round on my patients. The sun was just beginning to light up the sky and left the dark puffy clouds in silhouette in my drive in. I felt half asleep as I walked through the brisk autumn air, kicking up leaves, climbed my 9 floors of stairs, walked silently down the sterile halls into the rooms of people who were still sleeping and probably would have preferred to be left that way. I gently woke my patients and explained who I was and why I was there... then the well rehearsed routine of sensory and motor checks. Push up, press on the gas, push down, right and left... can you feel this? how about this? and this? what about now? What is your pain on a scale of 1-10? How did you sleep? Chest pain? Shortness of breath? Nausea? Vomiting? etc etc... Then I take a look at the bandage, and pull the drain that I had help sew in during surgery the day before. "This will only burn for a second, take and deep breath in and exhale.... all done."

Then I run down 5 flights of stairs, throw open the OR doors, change into scrubs, blue surgical hat and booties.... ready.

Next it is the marathon of paper work. Pre-op orders, peri-op and post-op orders, med lists, new medication scripts. And then the fun part, talking with my next surgical patient. This is what I love most. As you pull the curtain aside the anxiety literally pulsates from these people, and by the time you leave they are smiling and ready to go. It is a simple procedure... just talk to them like the human beings they are, explain the procedure just like if you were the patient, hold their hand... tell them you will be there when it is all done.

Today in the OR reality snuck up on me; I looked down on the whole scene as if I were a ghost of myself. Here I was with two incredibly talented surgeons giving this woman a new chance at walking - a new knee. There I was, drilling holes into the underside of her patella, making room for our patellar plate. It was an out of body experience.

Thinking about these past eight weeks makes me so emotional, maybe because it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.... maybe because I will never be the same person again? Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived? Probably it is a combination of all three.

I did learn the importance of pursuing what you love. If you find something you are passionate about- then run towards it with all that you have.... keep running and never give up. If you do settle for something that you think will be easier, or make you more money, the unhappiness will eventually suffocate you. Life is too short.

For now I will continue to live on the border- traveling from one passion to the next, learning about people and life, learning about what I truly want from this life of mine.