Stuck

I am not going anywhere. I run in circles round and round and round… It is frustrating and painful to be the witness of my life. I stare down at my depressed body sitting in that red plastic chair in the corner of the office. I am completely invisible. I am not important. I am just a student. I sit and listen, listen to my own breath. It is excruciatingly quiet. While you are reading your computer screen learning about patients, I wait patiently to be thrown a piece of wisdom, a bit of clinical advice. Nothing. I continue to wait. Minutes pass, days pass and still you say nothing except “the next one is here.” I ask good, thoughtful, important questions and get one-word answers in return. I look down at myself from the ceiling and think, is this what I should be getting out of this experience? Is this what the clinical year is all about? Is this how I learn to make better decisions?

Why are you so jaded? Why are you so cynical, so fed-up, so exhausted of patients? What has brought you to this point? Nothing is good for you, either they are too late or too early. They are too descriptive, or too vague. They are lying, exaggerating, or inflating their symptoms, their story. Nothing is good enough. Your negativity sucks the very life out of me. I walk into a room with a patient and can breathe again! They provide me with deep cleansing breath of fresh air. It is beautiful to help, to listen and start the healing process… but then I am back in your office and those next few minutes strip all the good emotions away from me. I ask a stupid question- a question that you humph at, and refuse to answer, or give me the “shouldn’t you know that?” look. Maybe I forgot some essential information from the history and you berate me for my absent mindedness, make me feel small and foolish. “Did you ask about A, B, C? Well (humph again) next time…” It is mentally draining to ignore these feelings all day. It’s exhausting to put on my thick skin day after day only to have it ripped off like an old bandage as the day goes on.

Did I offend you in some way? Was it that Friday when I called you out on the patient confidentiality issues? Are you going to make me pay for being a moral, caring provider? God I felt sick about that day. I felt nauseous all weekend thinking about the poor patient who left with tears in her eyes, so embarrassed and hurt.

Can I continue to do this? When do you cross the line from being strong, onto the other side of just being stubborn and foolish? I keep thinking that there must be something more out there. There must be another rotation where I am valued and respected. There must be a rotation where I learn the vital life skills to become the best internist I can. This is too important not to try to change things. Why not try?



If you do not change the direction you are going, you will end up where you were headed....