Day 11: a difficult decision

“Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” ~Lao Tzu

I got a job offer today. A great offer, for a extremely difficult job... and it got me thinking about what I really truly want.

First, I want to support my marriage, to put it first always. I want to be there for Lynn, give us the best chance to make it through this year. Lynn will always come before work, our marriage will be number one. I want to be true to my heart, be true to my gut instinct. So, perhaps that clears away any doubt in this decision.

Also, I want to enjoy my job. I want to feel safe at my job. I want to feel safe to learn and grow and ask questions. I want to serve. I want to help and heal and work for a better world. I want to have a population that needs support and help. I want to give back to society. I want a great team of people that value eachother. I want a mentor at work, a supervising doc who cares. I want the freedom to practice more holistic approach to medicine where I get to see the WHOLE person, learn about their lives, limitations, needs worries and then treat the whole person. I want to go to bed on Sunday night excited to go back to work on Monday. I want to leave work at work. I want to have weekends with Lynn. I want to have nights with lynn. I want to get up with the sun and go to bed wit hthe sun. I want to live my life, knowing that life is short and you should DO what you LOVE. I want to have a desk with a little room for sanity, a space to breathe and re-focus. I want to have nurses that become my friends. I want to have docs that respect me, encourage me to grow. I want to take my practice further, be a better clinician, be an expert that is always learning. I want a little bit more zen a little less chaos. I want a workspace that encourages health, and happiness. I want to bike to work. I want to explore ways that I can improve a department, that I can take their program further, be CREATIVE innovative. I want to infuse energy into a work space. I want to be a free thinker, to question why, to look for alternative answers, diagnoses, treatments... I want to look at medicine as an art, and not just a memorized science.

I want to work towards balance.
I want to live what I believe.

I don't want to feel so stressed that I cannot leave work at work, feel so anxious that I have to stay past my shift to figure out if i did anything wrong. i dont want to learn solely by mistakes or books. I do not want to be cornered into making decisions i do not feel comfortable. I do not want to be the end of the line. I do not want to learn by fire. I do not want to work nights, weekends, evenings, the only time in our week that lynn and i can be together. I do not want to be unable to communicate my needs. I do not want to be a number. I do not want to practice medicine that I do not believe. I do not want to work in a cage, in a black box, in a windowless room I do not want to feel unsafe. I do not want work to become me.

I want a challenge, to be challenged, to think critically, creatively.
I want a great marriage, I want to support Lynn. I want to be there for him.
I want to further my career.
I do not want to lose all my primary care skills.
I do not want to feel as though my skills are not being utilized, or that I could give so much more.