I am going crazy here. I do not know if I am cut out to be a stay at home mom. I can deal with the drama of an acutely psychotic individual or a clinic full of raging drug seeking chemically dependent chronic pain patients, but if my toddler refuses her nap, I am pushed to my limit. Just one hour I beg. I pray. I would say the rosary if I knew it. And still, nothing, no sleeping eye rubs, no tired collapses onto the mattress. Just jumping, crying little girl. Playing nicely with her blankie for a while, then with her bunny…. Then standing crying screaming again. I need a break, or I am going to break. It is the dead of winter, and she and I cannot run around in this -30 degree weather. I took her to run around at the gym and she is still not tired. Is this our house full of guests last week? Is it a new developmental milestone? Is she teething- the ibuprofen did not help. Is this just the new Lil routine. If so I will need to seriously reconsider how I am going to make it through the last few months of this pregnancy staying home with Lil. I am one tired puppy. I have a job interview on Jan 7th- second round interview and then shadow. I am hoping to wow them, and then accept the job straightaway, just to get out of this house! That sounds crazy. What is better than being home with the child you adore, spending quality time with her?? Why am I not loving this?!? What is wrong with me? This job does not seem perfect, it most likely is a full time gig, which I have said I would never do again, and yet here I am considering taking it even before I get the offer. I might be looking at yet another “grass is greener” scenario and pretty soon I will be in way over my head. And the PhD program… do I really want to be entrenched in mental health for the next 4 years, studying it- eating, breathing, becoming the solution? Am I really sure that is what I want? Now that sounds crazy. I need to do something different. But what, how? Today, instead of the nap I so desperately craved, my eyes closing during our story time, rocking and song time I just got out of bed went downstairs and made a coffee. Now I feel better. I typed a few words, and somehow I feel better. Maybe that is the secret. Just get up. Get moving. Get going. Don’t slow down. Don’t stop to think. Keep swimming, keep swimming. Okay well maybe that isn’t the healthiest solution either. We both know I have buried myself in work only to look up one day and not recognize the woman staring back in the mirror. I feel grounded being home with Lillie. I cannot run away from problems or frustrations, in fact even today I felt frustrated, and boom! Out it comes, growling and snarling in my face. There is no burying of emotions now, no sir, I am forced to deal with them head on. I believe this is a good thing. It made me realize my shortcomings this morning. I immediately apologized to Lynn and Lillie, and genuinely expressed my desire to work on my frustrations in a healthy manner. So here I am, attempting to deal with them. Maybe writing is best, it certainly is a health way to express emotions. No one needs to read it, but then again maybe it could help or console future me or another mama in the same situation.